What To & Not To Say To Exhausted New Mom’s

There I was at the checkout stand getting groceries. It was over 14 years ago, and it was my first outing with my brand new baby. I was a first time mama, and my first month mama-ing had been a bumpy road!

Okay, maybe “bumpy road” is an understatement.

It started with a very difficult, 5.5 day long labor with my son, which led to a very long recovery. Breastfeeding was filled with excruciating complications for me, and our precious little man had colic to boot! To top it off the whole experience was surrounded by a grievous and strained relationship with my mother (things are better now but were not for many year to come after that). All in all I was left with anxiety and depression which was exacerbated by lost sleep.

But perhaps the most stressful of all was just being a first time parent. I mean, there’s nothing that can prepare somebody for that, right?!

Anyways, as I stood there in my new parent daze with my precious little one looking for tellers to check my groceries out with, I saw a mom of four that I used to work with so I chose her till. She was in her mid to latter 30’s and I had always looked up to her before as being super experienced in the “momhood department”.

“You had your baby! Congratulations!” She exclaimed when she saw me. “How are you doing?”

I admitted that it had been a little rough, and that I was exhausted.

“You think it’s bad now? You just wait till he’s a teen.”

She then proceeded to educate me on how bad her teens were.

As I listened, I remember wondering why she was she dumping her teens bad life choices as a life prediction on my new baby! As I walked away, she said again, “You just wait.”

I was going through a time when I needed to hear words of life, hope, and advice, but instead I got a good dose of bitter wormwood!

Shortly after that, my husband and I moved to the Midwest, where I wouldn’t have any friends or mentors for what seemed like the longest time, and sadly that negative experience was just a small taste of what I would experience for the next few years.

Throughout the next years it seemed like every time I reached out to an older woman I would hear many bitter phrases, but two that stand out the most were more predictions like;

“You think it’s bad now…you just wait until your kids __________fill in the blank________”.

and

“Why would you want 6 kids?” (In a disgusted tone from a woman that had six kids).

I remember eventually begging God for an older friend that would be a mentor and a friend that didn’t have a bad opinion of motherhood and seem to hate her kids, and He sent one that was able to mentor me for awhile!

I’ll never forget how kind, encouraging, empowering, and WISE she was! She was probably close to 40 years removed from the exhausting years of raising littles, but somehow she remembered enough to be truly encouraging.

Recently, I saw a quote on Facebook though that reminded me of my early, new mama years. The basic jest of it was an older empty nester who’s kids were grown and married telling a mom with young babies who was tired and loosing sleep;

If you think now is tough at least you know your babies are safe. Wait till they are older and you don’t know who they are with or if they are happy or safe, and wait till you are no longer needed and in control. That’s harder.

There it was again. Those words. “Wait until…”. Followed by the older woman’s concrete note that her experience now is worse and harder than then younger woman’s and that there’s no reason to hope because it get’s worse.

Did you know suicide is actually now a leading cause of death among new mothers? Read Kari, and Allison’s tragic stories.

In addition to this, Mental health: depression and anxiety in young mothers is up by 50% in a generation.

I think it’s time to stop telling tired, younger mama’s, “It get’s worse.” For one, it might not for them.

Secondly, I believe that no matter what we have been through, it is so important to be careful not to minimize new, younger mama’s feelings, experiences, or thoughts (or anyone’s for that matter).

It’s also important to remember that just like with giving birth, once a hardship has passed it’s pain fades from memory (with time) in most cases. For example, it’s easy to forget how difficult and exhausting the years of raising little children were when you are 20 plus years removed from them (especially if you only had a couple).

Listen, if we are more mature mothers that have been at this mothering gig for awhile it’s our job to move over (or at least around) the hardships we’ve experienced (even if that means we need to seek help for ourselves to do so) and lift up not only each other but younger mama’s that are having a rough time. No young mother that is having a difficult time should ever feel like Kari and Allison and be left to think that their only relief or rest in this new role of motherhood is going to be suicide.

It was my experience as a new young mother that there is a rarity of kinder, experienced older women that are able and willing to move past life’s mothering hardships and help lift younger women up. Sadly, too many try to transfer bitterness from their negative past experiences onto younger, tired mom’s.

Something else to consider; the hopeless, negative phrases above that I shared that were said to me when I was a new mama years ago (and that are regularly said to new mama’s) and phrases like them are minimizing, trivializing, and discounting, and are actually considered forms of abuse.

That’s right!

What is more, is these phrases are the opposite of encouragement, and encouragement is what we are commanded to do for younger women in the Scriptures. In (Galatians 6:2) for example we are told to bear one another’s burdens, and let’s not forget Titus 2:5 where older women are commanded to teach the younger wives to love their husbands and children (this is because it’s not always easy or natural)!

There’s also Romans 5:5, Romans 15:13, Romans 8:28-29, Isaiah 40:31 Philippians 1:6.

If it’s been too many years and you truly can’t remember how rough it was being in those mothering little one’s years, here’s some idea’s you could try next a tired, new young mama reaches out to you or expresses exhaustion or frustration;

• Tell them it DOES get better (because it’s the truth-what they are experiencing now probably will).
• Remind them that this is just a season, it will pass!
• If they are exhausted from sleep deprivation tell them they will get to sleep again! Here’s a tip I’ve learned you can share with them; tell them to try turning their clock towards the wall (if it’s digital). For some reason, through 14 years and 6 babies, I’ve found it’s easier to deal with the sleepless nights and exhaustion if I am not counting the hours and I’ve heard other mom’s say this helped them too.
• Tell them not to be too hard on themselves during this time because sleep deprivation is a big deal-remind them to watch for anxiety and depression that can follow sleep deprivation.
• You could tell them you’ll pray for them.
• You could ask them if there is anything you can do.

Lastly, if you don’t want to use these or if you can’t think of anything nice to say, let’s remember what our mama’s and grandmas taught us in that if we don’t have anything nice to say then let’s all just zip it. I paraphrased that.

Check out related posts below.

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