The holiday’s are here, and for many people that means Christmas & New Years cheer and joyous family gatherings. For others it means something else though. In fact, for many it means anxiety or dismay because instead of joy they are going to be merely surviving holiday’s with difficult family members. For those of you out there whom this shoe fits, my heart goes out to you. I can sympathize.
My Story In a Nutshell
For the last several years I’ve been really blessed to have mostly wonderful holiday times with family members. This wasn’t always the case though. There was a long span starting my mid 20’s and into my 30’s when the holiday’s were the most dismal, depressing, and emotionally exhausting times of the year. Every event left me and even at times my husband licking wounds for days afterwards because of an extended family member.
Since dealing with and getting through holiday’s with difficult family members is an area I have more than an ample amount of experience in it is something I am passionate about helping others through, and so I thought I would share some things I’ve learned through the years on the topic.
As you read this post please be fully aware that I am not a therapist, or a doctor. The views in this post are my own, and the views expressed here are based off of my experiences, observations, and considerable amounts of research that I’ve done in my quest for solutions to difficult relationships in my extended family. Please note that this is an incredibly in depth topic and that it is impossible to condense everything there is to cover on this topic in one post.
Also, please note that this post is speaking of extended and not immediate family.
Why Is the Relationship Difficult?
Before you can successfully navigate through difficult family relationships for the holiday’s or any other time of year, I believe the first helpful thing to distinguish is why the relationship is difficult.
Is it simply that you clash with a family member or have differences?
If this is all that it is, rest assured that you are not alone. I think pretty much every family has members with differences that can be prickly to navigate!
There is a fairly simple solution to this though (as long as there is a mutual respect between the two of you-which is critical).
You can either agree to have a healthy and non heated debate, or you can simply refuse to discuss the topics that you disagree on.
It used to be that religion, politics, and money were off limits to talk about-especially at events. Boy don’t those good ole day’s sound nice! In my home I’m trying to bring this back especially during events and family gatherings.
The thing is, there are some people that it’s best to keep conversation topics limited with.
Now, before you go and think “What’s the point of even having a relationship with them?” and that you’re in for the most boring few hours of your life, let me encourage you by telling you that some of the most fun and special family times I’ve had are with family members that I have the most differences with.
This is easier said than done for some people. I’ve made a list of idea’s and things that have worked for me when it comes to dealing with difficult family members over differences and made it so we could go on to have a civil and sometimes with some family even a loving and meaningful visit.
What To Do If It’s Differences
If they bring up a topic that is loaded and you don’t foresee a healthy non heated debate, here are some comebacks you could use;
- “I’d prefer not to discuss this topic today, maybe another time.”
- “I’d prefer not to discuss this topic.” (and just leave it there)
- “Well, we all have the right to our own opinions. Excuse me while I go stir the gravy.”
- “Well, I hear what you are saying but we all have the right to our own opinions.”
- “We definitely disagree on that issue, but I’m so thankful that we are able to be a family and not allow differences to come between us.” This is an excellent one that almost always diffuses the situation.
- “Hmm. That’s an interesting viewpoint. Excuse me while I go check dinner.”
Remember, it’s all about mutual respect and creating boundaries that protect the both of you from an unproductive argument that leaves you both hurting and can even cripple the future of your relationship.
What To Do If That Won’t Work
I can hear you, some of you are saying, “You don’t know _______fill in the blank with the family member_______, they will try to get digs in anyways!”
Okay. If somebody is blatantly and rudely disregarding your wishes and disrespectfully bringing a topic up that you’ve said you do not want to discuss, they are ignoring your boundaries.
In this case, one or both parties are lacking mutual respect and we are moving into other and more serious reasons why family relationships can be difficult.
Basically these reasons boil down to disrespect and emotional abuse.
What to do if it’s emotional abuse
Currently I’m working on a post about emotional abuse and I’ll link to it once it it finished.
For today I’ll just say a few words on it. Everybody knows about physical abuse, sexual abuse, and verbal abuse. These are easy to see. If we were to walk into a room and see one of these forms of abuse happening we would be horrified and be able to stop the abuse. Emotional abuse isn’t so easy to detect though.
Here are a few forms of emotional abuse that I think everybody should be familiar with;
- Accusing
- Ordering
- Ignoring
- Minimizing
- Constant Criticizing
- Ridiculing
- Demeaning
- Withholding
- Isolating
- Threatening
- Name calling and/or sarcasm
- Belittling
- Humiliating
- Scapegoating
- Projecting
- Silent Treatment
- Abandoning
- Raging or terrorizing
- Restricting
- Gas lighting
- coercing
- Non-Verbal cues (glaring, rolling eyes, staring down, for some examples)
- Negative labeling
- Chronic deceit
- Manipulating
Personally, I’ve never seen a strained relationship that didn’t end up that way by one or more of these forms of abuse-even though at times the abuse was unintentional.
I encourage everyone to know the signs of emotional abuse. I firmly believe that knowing them and avoiding them would save so many relationships from being ruined!
If you are reading this and realize you’ve been dealing with emotional abuse I encourage you to seek professional help. If you are reading this and realized you are abusive-let me just say it’s amazing you are able to realize and own up to it-many people that are emotional abusers cannot or will not do this. Lastly, I encourage you to seek professional help as well.
Surviving Holiday’s With Difficult Family Members-The Emotionally Abusive Family Member
So let’s get back on topic. How do you survive the holiday’s if you have an emotionally abusive family member? I’ve got more experience than I wish I had with this topic! Here’s what I’ve learned;
First, if you are the victim of abuse it’s time to decide to face the issue and address it. You might be wondering if now is the healthiest time to address the issue or if you should wait till after the holidays.
I think this will probably depend on the type and intensity of emotional abuse.
An Example-
I knew one emotionally and verbally abusive person who during family gatherings, reunions, and even at a wedding would repeatedly glare, cast dirty looks, and aggressively stare down their victim to intimidate them. Of course this essentially tainted the entire day for the victim and made others that noticed very uncomfortable.
I’ve also seen situations where emotional abusers step abuse up during holiday’s and events and appear to go to great extent to ruin holiday’s for their victim.
Maybe you are here reading this post today because you have been through this and are experiencing extreme anxiety over the thought of being around a specific person. If this is the case-you might want to deal with things now. An article that you might find helpful is Ten Ways to Keep Family Members From Ruining Your Holidays by Psychology Today.
Only you can know what you are willing and able to tolerate. If there is one takeaway you have from this article, its this;
YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS,
YOU HAVE A CHOICE
I know it might not seem like you have any control and like your abuser has all the power, but this is not true. You have the choice and power to decide what you are able and no longer able longer tolerate.
Idea’s To Consider
Once you’ve decided whether or not you feel strong enough to get through one more event being around an abusive family member, here are some idea’s you might be able to utilize;
- If you are are realizing that you have been being emotionally abused and you don’t feel like you are able to deal with the abuse any longer because you believe the abuse is intentional and that being around them over the holidays is only going to ruin the day for you and possibly others, you might want to gracefully bow out of holiday events if at all possible.
- If you are being abused and have tried to address it and the abuser is unwilling to change but you feel that bowing out will ruin the holidays for other loved ones consider if there is there a way you can speak with your other loved ones about what is happening and ask that they run interference for you? I’ve had to do this before for family members. If the other family members are unwilling they could be enabling, and it may take you bowing out before they are willing to wake up and smell the roses. If you must do this I encourage you to bow out as gracefully as possible-more on this below.
- If you must be around the abuser or have decided the level and nature of emotional abuse is not worth dealing with at this time-try to avoid being alone with them, and try to interact with them as little as possible at holiday events.
Please note-these are not a permanent solutions. I strongly encourage you to seek counseling once the holiday dust has cleared and get some advice on how to handle your situation which is probably unique.
What Not To Do
I would like to briefly outline just a few mistakes victims of emotional abuse make once they realize they have been being abused.
- They act hastily and harshly in attempt to solve the situation by themselves. Instead of this, try to wait to take drastic measures until you have received counseling and done some research. Remember-you have every right to bow out of events if you don’t think the event will go well!
- They act hastily and harshly, and expect other family members to understand their actions. Instead of this, it’s important to realize your family members and by-standing friends might not realize you have been being abused. They might not even be familiar with emotional abuse. It’s important to understand that it might take them some time to grasp what has been happening. In the meantime you need to realize you don’t need anyone’s permission or validation to acknowledge yourself that you have been abused, and you don’t need validation to begin seeking help, and you don’t need permission to quietly bow out.
But, Doesn’t the Bible Say to Forgive & Forget?
I can hear some of you right now asking this question. In my experience there are generally three types of people that like to throw these verses out when it pertains to abusers. They include people that have never really experienced emotional abuse on the victim end, people that have but are enabling because they are afraid, and of course people that are themselves abusers.
Yes, we are to forgive. Forgiveness is to be taken very seriously and can go a long ways in restoring many relationships, READ THESE HEALING BIBLE VERSES ABOUT FORGIVENESS, however there are other Bible verses to take into account. Currently, I’m collecting a list of Bible verses addressing each of the forms of emotional abuse above for my post on the topic. Until that is ready, please familiarize yourself with 1 Corinthians 5:11, Matthew 18:15-17 and Proverbs 22:24. I think that these verses might give many people their solution on what to do-especially if the difficult person you are dealing with claims to be Christian.
If You Have Family Members That Are Emotionally Abusive….
I’m going to start this with a story. In my family there was a mother son relationship that was sour. For many years the son would talk about hurtful things his mother would do, but I never believed him because the mother seemed normal to me, and she was nice to me.
Then, after many years, at a family event one year I saw it. The mother made a snarky remark that included more than one of the forms of emotional abuse listed above. The remark was out of place, and quite astonishing. The victim was an adult, and one of the most macho men I’ve ever met, but when his mother made that remark he was suddenly a helpless child. He quietly left the room, head down and hurting.
Eventually I called her out on it. Lo and behold, a Pandora’s box of bitterness and resentment on her part gushed out. Some of the things she resented her son for were truly shocking and unfounded.
This isn’t the only time I’ve witnessed this-I’ve seen it numerous times now.
One of the reasons emotional abuse can go years undetected is because abusers are good at hiding it.
So what should you do? If a family member is trying to tell you about offenses, listen. Be on the lookout. Depending on the circumstances don’t be afraid to get involved.
Let me put it this way. If you walked into a room and a family member was physically beating another family member, would you do nothing?
If you are like most people you would do something.
If you have a family member that is abusive in any way, it’s important for you that you learn what enabling is and how you can help instead of enabling (which is hurting the situation).
Here’s a story to put things into perspective for you. Our family was once in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person that believed they had the right to be abusive because of their position in the family-in fact they didn’t even think they were abusive despite the fact they consistently did nearly all the emotional abuse tactics on the list above as a way of life.
One year, at the Thanksgiving dinner they mockingly brought up a decision they felt was a foolish financial mistake another one of the family members at the table made. At first a couple people chuckled, which inspired the abusive member to continue mocking the person who made the financial “mistake”. As the victim sank in her chair the others at the table became uncomfortable, and somebody finally said, “Okay, that’s enough.” The mocking person persisted. Eventually another person spoke up, “Okay, okay, that’s enough”. Everybody at the table was so uncomfortable, unsure of what to say as the abuser sat reviling, and the victim sat trying to act normal and unhurt.
From that point on our family decided to refrain from attending holiday events with that abusive individual. As the years progressed, one by one the rest of the family followed suit-eventually everyone started coming to our home for the holidays.
Conclusion
Listen to your gut. The holidays are supposed to be about fostering family togetherness, making happy memories, tying heartstrings and celebrating joyous times.
If your difficult family relationship is difficult because of differences yet there’s mutual respect, it’s worth celebrating together if you can simply stay off the hot topics.
On the other hand, if you’re experiencing anxiety and sleepless nights at the thought of being around a family member, or if you experience this for awhile every time after you have been around a family member it could be because of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is very serious, and can go years undetected so it’s important to know the signs.
You can learn more about emotional abuse in this article by Psychology Today.
Praying you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
~Shayla