Have you ever been in this place? Have you ever wondered how to forgive someone that’s not sorry and wondered how to pray when you’re struggling to forgive? Boy I have. I’ve had whole months and years in this place. It’s such an awful, hard place to be.
I’ve done so much research on this topic and read so many varying views because this is such a hard place to navigate! In fact, I’ll be honest, the wilderness of unforgiveness is still a place I still get lost in from time to time and have to work hard to get through.
Personally, I believe it’s important to find healing-which I’ve found is difficult to come by without also finding forgiveness in my heart. The problem is I’ve not found the perfect “how to forgive” formula, but there is one thing I’ve found that does seem to help a lot. It is an honest prayer.
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How To Pray When You’re Struggling To Forgive
Over the years I’ve developed a special prayer that always seems to help shine a light on the path to forgiveness.
How To Pray When You’re Struggling To Forgive;
“Lord, I’m struggling with _________(what happened/was said)__________. I know You want me to forgive, please teach me how. Help me to see this situation as You see it, and to see _____the offender____________ through your eyes. Please take this pain and help me to heal from ____what was said/done_______________.
I’ve had some interesting thoughts after praying this prayer over the situations/people that have caused me the most pain over the years.
In one situation I realized that some people that I had been having the hardest time forgiving didn’t actually mean to hurt me, and that they did truly love me. I also realized their actions were due to being simply misguided and very desperate. Not only were they misguided, but they were actually partially acting out of their own fear as well.
In another situation, there were some people that had been repeatedly judgmental and hurtful to me and my family. After praying to see the situation the way God did I remembered 1 Corinthians 5:11 that showed me I wasn’t even supposed to be hanging out with those people. I realized that if I had not been so desperate for company that perhaps I would have realized much sooner the Bible verses warning me not to hang out with people doing what they were doing, and I could have avoided the repetitive pain they caused.
So often I think we don’t realize our own part in a situation that has caused us pain, and a lot of times we put ourselves in harm’s way against God’s will. I really love 1 Corinthians 5:11 for this, because it helps to clarify safe vs “offender”company.
When I think back over some situations that caused me particularly long lasting unforgiveness and pain, I’m really left in awe because in nearly all of them there were warnings that I shouldn’t get too involved!
This reminds me of the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!”
Another thing that happens often times when I say this prayer, is it feels almost as if God brings back the curtain on how utterly miserable my offender is. Funny how when that happens it always feels like a big revelation-even if I already knew the person was unhappy!
Remember what forgiveness is not
It’s really important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean to forget. It doesn’t mean we must allow an unrepentant offender to stay in our life and continue causing us harm and pain.
It also doesn’t mean the pain will magically disappear-especially in cases like we are talking about here where there was never an apology. Sometimes what happened was so painful, and it’s going to take time to heal-especially if the offender had been a close friend. In situations like that it can be easy to confuse unforgiveness with the grief. During this time I find it helps to continually go to Jesus for help as I learn to move on and heal. Over time I’ve found that the more I bring the hurt to Christ the more He helps me to learn to stop recycling the feelings and situation that happened.
Have you had experience in forgiving someone that wasn’t sorry? Do you have tips you’ve used to overcome unforgiveness? Please comment below and share!
Would you like help learning how to make your own apologies more effective? Check out Gary Chapman’s book, When Sorry Isn’t Enough; Making Things Right With Those You Love .
Have you enjoyed How To Pray When You’re Struggling To Forgive? If so you might enjoy my other faith based posts here. Also, I’m working on an upcoming post discussing they types of apologies you should never accept (because they are not really apologies). So if you want to catch that be sure you’re getting my emails!
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I feel this post was written for me because this is the exact situation I am today. To be honest, it is really hard to forgive that sometimes, I am not even sure if I am even willing to forgive. Thank you for sharing this. It definitely struck me.
Great insights! I always forgive someone without his or her apology to protect my mental peace.
Forgiving can be so hard but is such a necessary part of life. Thank you for sharing this prayer.
I think we’ve all been in a situation where forgiveness was hard. Thank you for sharing this prayer.
I just had a situation with another mom. She was very gossipy and spread all sorts of things creating drama in our otherwise close knit group of parents. She came up to me yesterday and said hi and I could have freaked out but I choose grace and forgiveness. My son sees me interact with her. want him to learn the right way to handle difficult situations. though not always easy forgiving someone is often time better for everyone.
Having healthy boundaries are important in every relationship.
I think healing is different for everyone. I know some therapists say forgiveness isn’t important. I think it depends on what your definition of forgiveness is. For me forgiving would mean that saying what happened was okay, which isn’t, but I can let go of the anger behind.
I’m not a religious person but I definitely imagine the struggle. I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, but I’ve realized that I had to do it for myself and not for him. I needed that peace
I have gotten to the point where I’ll forgive someone, but will also guard myself from their pain. I think it’s wise to let go, but protect yourself at the same time.