Difficult People And Emotional Abuse

I’ve had this post on my mind and in my post list since before this blog was even live. Difficult people and emotional abuse is an area I have more experience than I would like to have had in my life. Because of what I’ve been through and what I’ve seen others close to me go through in dealing with difficult people and emotional abuse, this is a topic that I’m very passionate about. I thought that with the holiday’s approaching quickly which means rising anxiety for some families that don’t have the best relationships but are preparing to get together, that now would be a great time to publish this post that I’ve had ready for awhile.

I think many can relate to the pain and the bitterness that can come as a result from difficult family relationships and abuse, as well as the confusion that can result in navigating those relationships, and so that is what I am going to talk about today.

What Is Emotional Abuse

Everybody knows about physical abuse, sexual abuse, and verbal abuse. These are easy to see. If we were to walk into a room and see one of these forms of abuse happening we would be horrified and be able to stop the abuse.

This isn’t the case with emotional abuse. Unfortunately too many people know too little about emotional abuse and that it is actually every bit as dangerous as the other more recognizable forms- some argue that it’s even more dangerous because it eats away the the core of who a person is.

I believe emotional abuse is such an important topic. I truly believe everyone should know the signs because this form of abuse it is the sneaky poison that left unchecked kills relationships and destroys life for both the victims and offenders.

Forms of Emotional Abuse

Here are a few forms of emotional abuse;

• Accusing
• Ordering
• Ignoring
• Minimizing
• Constant Criticizing
• Ridiculing
• Demeaning
• Withholding
• Isolating
• Threatening
• Abandoning
• Raging
• Restricting
• coercing
• Non-Verbal cues (glaring, rolling eyes for example)
• Negative labeling
• Chronic deceit

Whenever you see a relationship that is strained you can be sure that one or more of these forms of abuse is involved.

Difficult People And Emotional Abuse

What To Do If Your Difficult Family Member is Emotionally Abusive

I believe that we have a duty to express our hurt to an offender based on Matthew 18;15-17.

¹⁵ “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. ¹⁶ But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. ¹⁷ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

I realize this verse speaks specifically to members of a church, but I still believe the basic idea can and should be used in family situations and I have used it. In fact, I’ve seen this work to restore relationships successfully.

I truly believe that many people that are emotionally abusive simply don’t realize they are being this way. We’ve all had situations where we’ve been hurt, lashed out, and made one or more of the mistakes above. In some cases we may need to simply extend a little grace and offer an olive branch to the difficult family member.

On the same hand I’ve seen abusive situations carried on for years. The reason? Because the victims were trying to do what they were told was the “Christian” thing by turning the other cheek and they were trying to “forgive 70 x 7”.

What is scary is over time they lost their health because…..well……..it can be imbittering to be forced to try to forgive somebody that is purposely abusive, unapologetic, and continues being abusive. This brings me to my next point.

What To Do If The Abuser Won’t Listen

Sadly, I’ve also seen the steps above outlined in Matthew finalize relationships that are for the time hopeless.

I’ve seen people that are purposefully being emotionally abusive, and believe they have a right to be this way because of their position. Allowing a person as this to stay in one’s life and continue to do damage does nothing but feed the seed of bitterness until it’s taking over and completely destroys the victims life and even health.

Although I do believe we need to work towards forgiveness towards our offenders I also believe that we must not forget other Bible verse commands such as these ones;

Do not associate with a man given to anger;
Or go with a hot-tempered man,

Proverbs 22:24

Do not eat the bread of a selfish man,
Or desire his delicacies;

Proverbs 23:6

Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go out,
Even strife and dishonor will cease.

Proverbs 22:10

But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler [a railer, reviler, abuser], or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one.

Corinthian’s 5:11

(If you look up the original meaning of reviler in this context it means an abusive person).

I am sure I could go on, but I think you get the point. Yes, we are to forgive-but that doesn’t mean we are supposed to continue to allow an abusive person to continue hurting us or others! In fact-if you take these scriptures into consideration we are actually NOT supposed to allow abuse to continue.

If you’ve tried to talk to an emotionally abusive family member and they refuse to listen and they show absolutely no remorse, this is where you have to make a choice of whether to continue being around them or to treat them as a Gentile and tax collector (avoid them).

Conclusion

Sometimes talking things through with love and kindness is all that is needed. I’ve seen where some people that once confronted with how they have been are truly sorry. Others are not sorry at first, they become defensive but later they do feel remorse. There are also some cases sometimes where people simply need a break from each other.

I encourage everyone to know the signs of emotional abuse. If you are reading this and realize you’ve been dealing with emotional abuse, or that you have been emotionally abusive to others, I hope this article has helped give you some clarity. Please be aware there are wonderful professional Christian counselors out there that can help and support you in your journey to healing!

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