Nearly six years ago, we shared 15 Things We’ve Learned in 15 Years of Marriage. Since my husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary last year, I’d like to share 7 More Things 20 Years of Marriage Have Taught Us.
First let’s go over some interesting marriage statistics (below the video).
Marriage Stats
In researching for this article, I came across some interesting statistics.
- According to a Forbes article I found, around 43% of first marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages end in divorce, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce, HERE
- Divorce rates are going down-however this could be because less people are choosing to get married
- An article on Fatherly stated common divorce years are between 1-2 years, 5-8 years, and 15-20 years, HERE
- One of the biggest reasons for divorce is actually lack of family support accounting for 43 percent (HERE)
- Other reasons according to Forbes (HERE) include infidelity 34%, incompatibility 31%, lack of intimacy 31%, too much conflict or arguing 31%, financial stress 24%, lack of commitment 23%, parenting differences 20%, marrying too young 10%, opposing values or morals 6%, substance abuse 3%, domestic violence (physical and/or emotional) 3%, pursuing different lifestyles 1%
- According to THIS ARTICLE BY HEALTHY WOMEN.ORG, 60% of divorces are initiated by women in their menopause years.
A Little Bit About Us
Over the last 20 years, my husband and I have weathered 7 of the above divorce instigators, including the top one, lack of family support. In our case we actually had people actively and aggressively working to separate us for the first three years of our marriage.
Through it all, God always brought us through.
Currently, I am in those dreaded menopausal years, where 60% of divorce is initiated by women. I’ve come to the belief that if a Christian couple is making or has made it through these years with their marriage intact, they are true love warriors to learn from. I can very, very clearly see the reasons marriages decay through these years. If you are in this stage, please read the ARTICLE BY HEALTHY WOMEN .ORG and have your spouse read it. Also, watch the video by Therapy in A Nutshell about Menopause.
The other night, my husband and I were talking about how when we married, we did not know very much about each other. We met the first time as children at a Bible camp, which was more of a conference. Around 10 years later we met again as adults.
After writing for a few months in a long distance relationship for three months, we felt we knew enough about each other and he popped the question. We had the same beliefs in all the important areas. Attraction definitely was not a problem! What could go wrong?
Another 3 months later we said “I do”.
A few weeks into marriage though, we realized we knew very little about each other! I learned he chewed tobacco, a little detail he somehow thought he would be able to keep from me. He learned that I cussed like a sailor when mad. It was kind of shocking for us to get to know each other as the months and years progressed!
Within the first years, we faced hardships and challenges that were exceptionally difficult and some shocking. First, God uprooted us from our extended families who were being vocally divisive. Next, the Lord shook the foundations of our very belief systems. This is just to name two of the handful of challenges.
The only explanation of how we made it to today is God, love, and a belief in commitment.
Well, that and most the time there’s still that old attraction factor that keeps on keeping on!
At 21 years, these last 6 years have brought a new season very different from our first 15 years. We have been faced with new challenges and growth opportunities! The Lord has allowed some additional challenges to befall us that have forced us to dig deep, even looking back into our childhoods to correct some survival behaviors we took on to protect ourselves and survive as young people.
So over the last 6 years we’ve found ourselves entering a new phase of our relationship. We are no longer in the growing our family in numbers stage.
The time has come to deal with certain issues that were easy to ignore while busy with kids.
It seems this new strange stage that we’re still learning to accept is one of growth, reconnection, and understanding. We’ve found that both of us have changed a bit through so many years of parenting and providing for little children!
It’s honestly only been last year that we have begun to learn ways to enjoy this new season, and the importance of doing so.
The thing is, the Lord doesn’t just want us to live in survival mode forever. He wants us to grow, and thrive in our relationships, especially with our spouses.
So here are 7 More Things 20 Years of Marriage Have Taught Us.
7 More Things 20 Years of Marriage Have Taught Us
First I want to say this list and my list of 15 things we learned is not conclusive and I’m not pretending it is. There are more things we’ve learned that I’ve not addressed; one of them is the importance of intimacy. Intimacy is essential and is the bonding glue that has held our marriage together even through some of the toughest times. With that said, here are 7 More Things 20 Years of Marriage Have Taught Us.
- Marriage is humbling. This was my first lesson in marriage, and it has carried through even into the 20th year. If you are proud or insecure, it is going to be rougher.
- Accept one another, because God does! On of the biggest lessons God is working with me in extensively over the last year is the true meaning and importance of Love as defined by scripture. 1 Corinthians 13.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Over the last year especially, God has been providing lot’s of exercises in how to show true, Biblical love. It has been hard at times. - Satan is always at work to destroy marriages. He is always looking for ways to wreck what God joined, and convince people their marriage isn’t worth holding onto. Just when you think you have weathered the storms and shown the devil his antics will not work, Satan will try again. If you have a good and beautiful marriage and you love the Lord, Satan will likely stop at nothing to wreck it.
1 Peter “8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
This is so true. As soon as you become complacent, indifferent, or immobile in your walk with the Lord, the Devil can find an opportunity. - This takes me to something else big the Lord has been teaching both of us. No matter what we face, when we turn to the Lord and dive into Him, He always shows us the way to a stronger marriage. These last months and years God has been showing us is that if you are in a marriage, and your partner hasn’t left, then no matter what the devil has done to stain and wreck your marriage, with God and two willing people who love each other and the Lord, there is something worth fighting for the relationship for!
- Counseling can help, sometimes. I’ve learned that if you are a big family, not just any marriage counselor will do. Same goes for if you are homeschool family. You need a counselor that will understand big family and homeschool family dynamics, or at least be open to listening well enough to understand those dynamics and be able to give practical advice that will work. It’s difficult to find counselors for families that don’t fit inside the traditional boxes.
- People change over time. Although you cannot change your spouse, they can and actually do change over time. Granted, my husband still chews tobacco, and I still have the downfall of cussing like a sailor when mad, but we’ve definitely changed in many, many ways. We’ve learned an important lesson along the way, that if you have let unforgiveness, detachment, apathy, or complacency weasel in and don’t feel like you know your spouse anymore, you are in the danger zone!
Get back on safe ground by being humble enough to put effort into getting to know each other again. This can be more awkward then it was in the beginning of the relationship-especially if you are dealing with any unforgiveness. Once you work through that, however, it can be a lot of fun! My husband says, “If you found each other the first time and get lost along the way, it’s worth finding each other again, your marriage is worth fighting for.” - The only true thing we can count on in life is God. People and relationships are always going to disappoint us, and it’s important not to see the people we love, be it our spouse or our children or others, as our primary “safe” place or saviour.
READ 15 THINGS WE’VE LEARNED IN 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
What is 20 years?
20 years might not seem like such a long time to some people. Ask anyone that has been married that long and made it through one or more of the above divorce instigators though and you’ll probably visually be able to see in their face that some hard work was put in that aged the couple!
I will add, however, that in preparing for this article and doing keyword research I came across some pretty rich and valuable content by others that have been married longer. One of my favorites that I recommend watching was a video called Love Lessons 125 Years of Lessons in 3 minutes. If big numbers impress you then that’s for you!
I’d also like to share a story about my grandmother. I lost her early last year. A month before she passed away, she kept talking about how badly she missed grandpa who passed several years back. You could hear the angst in her voice. They did not have the perfect marriage at all, yet some of her last tearful words regarding grandpa were that when she got to Heaven, she was going to find him, and when she did she wasn’t going to let him go again. From that, I learned that in the end, all that matters is love.
If you would like more positive marriage content, I have some more. A few months back I shared on my YT community tab that it was mine and my husband’s 20th Wedding anniversary and I asked my audience to share some of their Godly marriage tips. Over 60 people weighed in! If you want to read through them all you can do so here.