Last weekend my husband and I went out on our yearly date. That’s right. I said yearly. As in once a year we go out on a date. I know what you are thinking. How on earth do you get a thriving marriage on 1 date a year? You’re in luck because today I’m sharing our 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents! But first…….a little backstory.
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Briefly, Our Story
I think this post might be a little more meaningful if first I share how we discovered at least one of the 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents.
Currently, we are so blessed with not one, but a couple wonderful choices of people that are willing to watch our kids for us so we can go out. We are at a stage that we could go out more often. But we are not yet used to this because it hasn’t been the case for us most the 15.75 years our marriage! In fact it’s only been for around the last year since we moved back to my hometown that we’ve had this.
I think the longest stretch we went at one point was nearly 5 years between outings! I’m going to be honest with you, it was a bummer!
Considering this though you’d think that our marriage would be barely hanging by a thread. After all, if you were to google ways to strengthen your marriage you would likely be bombarded with the importance of dating your spouse. One of the most common recommendations I’ve seen is to go out on one date a week, especially when kids start entering the scene.
In the beginning years of our marriage I started noticing all the talk about the importance of dating ones spouse. It seemed everywhere I turned there was another article or another person talking about it.
We had a problem though. As the years went on and more children entered the scene, it became more difficult for us to get away and have these regular and important outings.
But you know, it really is true that with God as the focus all things can work together for good, and that’s exactly what happened in our case.
This year we will be celebrating our 16th anniversary though, and I’m pleased to say our marriage is thriving despite our lack of regular outings together.
So how is that we have a thriving marriage despite our lack of going out? I’ll tell you, but before I share 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents let’s talk a little more about why some people, particularly parents, don’t date each other.
The Problems Many Parents Face
There can be SO many reasons why it’s hard for some parents to get out and go on a date. From not being able to find a sitter to separation anxiety (for parent’s and children), and everything in between! Let’s talk about some of the reasons in detail.
Sitter Scarcity & Expense
For many people, it’s not so difficult to find a sitter if you have a baby, or a couple small children. In fact, many people have others offering to watch the kids when they have one or two small children.
The problem is that the more children you have and the older they get, the less people offer.
And this is how it goes for so many bigger family parents especially. It can be next to impossible to find a babysitter that is willing to take the kids once a month, let alone once a week!
So that leaves you with having to hire someone- if you can find someone willing. That can be quite expensive if you have a gaggle of kids. When you combine that expense with dinner expenses it can get pretty expensive!
For many couples-especially bigger families it can get more expensive than they can afford.
They’ve Grown Apart
There is another reason some parents don’t date though. It can be a dangerous one. For some couples, they get so wrapped up in simply surviving parenthood-especially when the kids are really little, and before they know it a year has gone by. Maybe even longer.
Eventually the grow apart. This is especially the case if there are other issues that have come up but never been properly address (that’s a topic for another post though).
Sometimes what happens next is they get hurt feelings. Husband is hurt because wife hasn’t mentioned going out in a really long time, and wife is hurt because husband hasn’t mentioned going out either. Next thing you know they are in a standoff, both waiting to be asked out by the other thinking the other doesn’t even care to go out with them anymore.
Or you have the situation where they do go out….but it’s been such a long time since it was just the two of them that they don’t know what to talk about or how to have a conversation with each other anymore. So they just sit there. Silent and awkwardly staring at the menu.
Believe it or not, my husband and I have experienced (and worked through) all of these situations!
6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents
Tip #1. Date Your Spouse
Quite a few-or several years ago, after a couple years of feeling sorry for us not being able to get away and go an a date, I finally put my thinking cap on.
I don’t remember what anniversary it was, maybe our 8th or 9th. We really wanted to go out for our anniversary but didn’t have anyone to ask. So we agreed that on our anniversary my husband was going to get off work early and we were going to have a date night at home.
I spent weeks planning that date night, from what to wear to what to make.
Our kids were little but I told them daddy and mommy were going to have a date night. They got so excited about it and on the day of our anniversary they even helped me clean the house and we talked about how they were going to get to watch a special show that evening-and we talked about house rules if mommy and daddy went into their room for awhile ;-).
Meanwhile, my husband had been making some plans of his own. Halfway through the day I was surprised with a knock on the door. He had bought be a huge bouquet of flowers and had them delivered 9 miles out of town to our house!
That day remains one of our top best dates ever. My husband still brings up what I wore!
And that’s when it happened.
We discovered that we don’t have to leave the house to date each other!
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We had so much fun on our home date night, and from that point on we realized that it wasn’t so much going out that was the key, it was connecting, and taking time out for each other.
So our first secret is to realize you do need to date each other, but it doesn’t mean you have to leave the house!
In fact, we’ve since learned that it doesn’t even take a romantic date night like I described here (although I highly recommend doing a big hoopla as often as you can)!
I think we can all know, for most people it’s not what you eat once a year that makes us healthy vs non healthy. It’s what we eat everyday.
It’s similar in a marriage. It isn’t what you do once in a great while, it’s what you do consistently to build your marriage that makes a difference.
I’m going to go into some detail now on 5 meaningful ways that we found to connect and essentially date daily, weekly, and monthly.
Here’s the rest of the breakdown of 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents….
Daily
Tip # 2 Prayer
Early on in our marriage we committed to saying a morning prayer together. In the beginning it was awkward but that awkwardness quickly left after the first week or two.
Sometimes we miss a day, and even days. Those days never go as well as the days we pray together.
I truly believe our success is 100% due to God-and our willingness and desire to follow Him! It truly is HE that has shown us the way through everything we’ve faced in our marriage.
Tip #3 Connect
At least once a day, amidst all the chaos, we try to connect. Be it a hug, a touch, a kiss, pouring a cup of coffee for the other first thing in the morning….something to show we care.
Have you ever met a person that actually prides themselves in how they “Never talk” with their spouse? We have! One of the marriages is now divorced and to say the couple in the other marriage is miserable would be a drastic understatement.
In the beginning of our marriage we noticed couples that didn’t talk and communicate and how unhappy those couples were. So at the end of every day we always share anything interesting, funny, awful or crazy that happened that day, as well as future arrangements or plans we’ve made.
Of course we’ve had a day sprinkled here and there where we were mad at each other and didn’t talk but that never last very long because we have nurtured a friendship of talking and so when we were not talking we miss each others company too much to stay mad!
Weekly
Tip #5 Intimacy
I’m a bit old fashioned, so this part makes me blush to tell you, but making time for intimacy weekly (or more) is so important. Years ago we actually discussed and set a weekly intimacy goal which I think was a very helpful discussion to have. It helped me especially to understand my husbands needs.
Although we don’t always achieve our goal due to the craziness of life and family we try!
I think each couple needs to discuss and decide what is right for them as far as weekly intimacy goals.
For sure, it’s important to make a point to plan time for intimacy otherwise life will get in the way too often.
I know what you are thinking. How does a couple do this with small kids!? Well, let me tell you, where’ there’s a will there’s always a way.
Expert tip; although it seems like kids never sleep, they actually do :-)!
Monthly
Quality Time
Quality time is probably more important to me than my husband. If I don’t get quality time with my man I get super cranky! Funny, all I really want is to have coffee and chat with him or watch a movie with him, and then I’m good to go!
My favorite though is to have a coffee date in a quiet part of the house and to just talk while the kids are watching Saturday or Sunday morning shows. We talk about everything from dreams to renovations, the kids, problem solving, family, and whatever.
I prefer to to spend quality time together every weekend, but I’ve found it’s critical to have quality time once a month at least.
Recommended Resources
If you haven’t heard of the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman I highly recommend learning more about it and taking the 5 Love Languages Quiz. This has been such a helpful resource for hundreds of couples and families.
Learn more about it HERE and take the quiz HERE.
If you enjoyed 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents you might also enjoy 15 Things We Learned In 15 Years Of Marriage.
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