Last weekend my husband and I went out on our yearly date. That’s right. I said yearly. As in once a year we go out on a date. I know what you are thinking. How on earth do you get a thriving marriage on 1 date a year? You’re in luck because today I’m sharing our 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents! But first…….a little backstory.
Listen To The 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents Podcast
Briefly, Our Story
I think this post might be a little more meaningful if first I share how we discovered at least one of the 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents.
Currently, we are so blessed with not one, but a couple wonderful choices of people that are willing to watch our kids for us so we can go out. We are at a stage that we could go out more often. But we are not yet used to this because it hasn’t been the case for us most the 15.75 years our marriage! In fact it’s only been for around the last year since we moved back to my hometown that we’ve had this.
I think the longest stretch we went at one point was nearly 5 years between outings! I’m going to be honest with you, it was a bummer!
Considering this though you’d think that our marriage would be barely hanging by a thread. After all, if you were to google ways to strengthen your marriage you would likely be bombarded with the importance of dating your spouse. One of the most common recommendations I’ve seen is to go out on one date a week, especially when kids start entering the scene.
In the beginning years of our marriage I started noticing all the talk about the importance of dating ones spouse. It seemed everywhere I turned there was another article or another person talking about it.
We had a problem though. As the years went on and more children entered the scene, it became more difficult for us to get away and have these regular and important outings.
But you know, it really is true that with God as the focus all things can work together for good, and that’s exactly what happened in our case.
This year we will be celebrating our 16th anniversary though, and I’m pleased to say our marriage is thriving despite our lack of regular outings together.
So how is that we have a thriving marriage despite our lack of going out? I’ll tell you, but before I share 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents let’s talk a little more about why some people, particularly parents, don’t date each other.
The Problems Many Parents Face
There can be SO many reasons why it’s hard for some parents to get out and go on a date. From not being able to find a sitter to separation anxiety (for parent’s and children), and everything in between! Let’s talk about some of the reasons in detail.
Sitter Scarcity & Expense
For many people, it’s not so difficult to find a sitter if you have a baby, or a couple small children. In fact, many people have others offering to watch the kids when they have one or two small children.
The problem is that the more children you have and the older they get, the less people offer.
And this is how it goes for so many bigger family parents especially. It can be next to impossible to find a babysitter that is willing to take the kids once a month, let alone once a week!
So that leaves you with having to hire someone- if you can find someone willing. That can be quite expensive if you have a gaggle of kids. When you combine that expense with dinner expenses it can get pretty expensive!
For many couples-especially bigger families it can get more expensive than they can afford.
They’ve Grown Apart
There is another reason some parents don’t date though. It can be a dangerous one. For some couples, they get so wrapped up in simply surviving parenthood-especially when the kids are really little, and before they know it a year has gone by. Maybe even longer.
Eventually the grow apart. This is especially the case if there are other issues that have come up but never been properly address (that’s a topic for another post though).
Sometimes what happens next is they get hurt feelings. Husband is hurt because wife hasn’t mentioned going out in a really long time, and wife is hurt because husband hasn’t mentioned going out either. Next thing you know they are in a standoff, both waiting to be asked out by the other thinking the other doesn’t even care to go out with them anymore.
Or you have the situation where they do go out….but it’s been such a long time since it was just the two of them that they don’t know what to talk about or how to have a conversation with each other anymore. So they just sit there. Silent and awkwardly staring at the menu.
Believe it or not, my husband and I have experienced (and worked through) all of these situations!
6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents
Tip #1. Date Your Spouse
Quite a few-or several years ago, after a couple years of feeling sorry for us not being able to get away and go an a date, I finally put my thinking cap on.
I don’t remember what anniversary it was, maybe our 8th or 9th. We really wanted to go out for our anniversary but didn’t have anyone to ask. So we agreed that on our anniversary my husband was going to get off work early and we were going to have a date night at home.
I spent weeks planning that date night, from what to wear to what to make.
Our kids were little but I told them daddy and mommy were going to have a date night. They got so excited about it and on the day of our anniversary they even helped me clean the house and we talked about how they were going to get to watch a special show that evening-and we talked about house rules if mommy and daddy went into their room for awhile ;-).
Meanwhile, my husband had been making some plans of his own. Halfway through the day I was surprised with a knock on the door. He had bought be a huge bouquet of flowers and had them delivered 9 miles out of town to our house!
That day remains one of our top best dates ever. My husband still brings up what I wore!
And that’s when it happened.
We had so much fun on our home date night, and from that point on we realized that it wasn’t so much going out that was the key, it was connecting, and taking time out for each other.
So our first secret is to realize you do need to date each other, but it doesn’t mean you have to leave the house!
In fact, we’ve since learned that it doesn’t even take a romantic date night like I described here (although I highly recommend doing a big hoopla as often as you can)!
I think we can all know, for most people it’s not what you eat once a year that makes us healthy vs non healthy. It’s what we eat everyday.
It’s similar in a marriage. It isn’t what you do once in a great while, it’s what you do consistently to build your marriage that makes a difference.
I’m going to go into some detail now on 5 meaningful ways that we found to connect and essentially date daily, weekly, and monthly.
Here’s the rest of the breakdown of 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents….
Daily
Tip # 2 Prayer
Early on in our marriage we committed to saying a morning prayer together. In the beginning it was awkward but that awkwardness quickly left after the first week or two.
Sometimes we miss a day, and even days. Those days never go as well as the days we pray together.
I truly believe our success is 100% due to God-and our willingness and desire to follow Him! It truly is HE that has shown us the way through everything we’ve faced in our marriage.
Tip #3 Connect
At least once a day, amidst all the chaos, we try to connect. Be it a hug, a touch, a kiss, pouring a cup of coffee for the other first thing in the morning….something to show we care.
Tip #4 Share
Have you ever met a person that actually prides themselves in how they “Never talk” with their spouse? We have! One of the marriages is now divorced and to say the couple in the other marriage is miserable would be a drastic understatement.
In the beginning of our marriage we noticed couples that didn’t talk and communicate and how unhappy those couples were. So at the end of every day we always share anything interesting, funny, awful or crazy that happened that day, as well as future arrangements or plans we’ve made.
Of course we’ve had a day sprinkled here and there where we were mad at each other and didn’t talk but that never last very long because we have nurtured a friendship of talking and so when we were not talking we miss each others company too much to stay mad!
Weekly
Tip #5 Intimacy
I’m a bit old fashioned, so this part makes me blush to tell you, but making time for intimacy weekly (or more) is so important. Years ago we actually discussed and set a weekly intimacy goal which I think was a very helpful discussion to have. It helped me especially to understand my husbands needs.
Although we don’t always achieve our goal due to the craziness of life and family we try!
I think each couple needs to discuss and decide what is right for them as far as weekly intimacy goals.
For sure, it’s important to make a point to plan time for intimacy otherwise life will get in the way too often.
I know what you are thinking. How does a couple do this with small kids!? Well, let me tell you, where’ there’s a will there’s always a way.
Expert tip; although it seems like kids never sleep, they actually do :-)!
Monthly
Quality Time
Quality time is probably more important to me than my husband. If I don’t get quality time with my man I get super cranky! Funny, all I really want is to have coffee and chat with him or watch a movie with him, and then I’m good to go!
My favorite though is to have a coffee date in a quiet part of the house and to just talk while the kids are watching Saturday or Sunday morning shows. We talk about everything from dreams to renovations, the kids, problem solving, family, and whatever.
I prefer to to spend quality time together every weekend, but I’ve found it’s critical to have quality time once a month at least.
Recommended Resources
If you haven’t heard of the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman I highly recommend learning more about it and taking the 5 Love Languages Quiz. This has been such a helpful resource for hundreds of couples and families.
Learn more about it HERE and take the quiz HERE.
If you enjoyed 6 Thriving Marriage Secrets For Parents you might also enjoy 15 Things We Learned In 15 Years Of Marriage.
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This was such a rich meaningful post. Keeping the marriage alive and thriving is so important.
Marriage does take work and patience, and these are great tips. Thanks for sharing your thoughts – these are good reminders and tips!
I just hope my marriage would as sweet as i want it to be.
Need this so much right now! Our little kids are our life, but I love all these tips for bringing daily magic in. Especially the date night at home. Yours sounded like a great memory made!
These tips are so great! All of these would make any marriage stronger! I love the tip on daily prayer!!
Kileen
cute & little
I can’t wait for date night tomorrow! I am hoping my hubby has something super cool picked out. It’s been a little while and could totally use one of those. 🙂
Great tips on keeping the magic alive during the busyness of raising children!
These are certainly great ideas and so important to be mindful of. IF you ever wanted to make a book out of this, let me know 😀
In a world of so much divorce. It’s refreshing when you see couples married for a long time sharing their secrets. Thank you. These are great tips.
Love this post! So true about trying to find sitters. We struggle with this here and rarely go on dates. Communication is very important! We now make a point every night to talk about the day and what is on our minds 💕
You’ve gotta keep dating your spouse for sure. Especially with kids. We go stay at a hotel once a month!
I agree that dating your spouse is so important for the heath of your relationship. Great read!
This is so good! Thanks for sharing!
This post was such a great reminder that my husband and I need to make more time for each other. It can be so difficult during these early years of parenting!
I look forward to finding my true love one day. Reading this lets me know that true love is still alive and out there! Great tips.
We are guilty of not having enough time in our relationship for each other. Our lives seem to be consumed with taking the kids to their activities and not putting the time in for ourselves. This is a good reminder, I will have to use your tips.
Awe. I love your pictures. Yay for date night. I love when my hubby and I have date night.
Date your spouse! Yes, I agree completely. It doesn’t have to be extravagant dates – but never stop dating!
Such a neat post, Communication is key. my boyfriend and I do long disatnce most of the time so its important.
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I love seeing the different dynamics represented here. After 20 years of being a military family, we’re entering the “retirement phase” of our lives (in our forties, which makes me laugh). So, now our kiddos are older and we can have weekly date nights outside of the house. We don’t always, but it’s nice to have the option.
I agree with dating your spouse. We get caught up in daily things and forget about each other.
This is wonderful. Kids tend to pull all of your attention and as parents, we tend to let them. So easy to grow apart! Me and my husband have been married 14 years and we have had times where we felt really unconnected. We started doing nights more often and also we try to do ALL activities together… even if it is just driving one of the kids to practice or grocery shopping or whatever it is. It has really helped.
My kids are teenagers now, so I feel like everything has been flipped around in regards to spending time with my partner and with my kids. We are now begging them to go out with us! lol.
I really like these 6 points! My husband and I have decided this year to start going on date nights!
Aw I love this! I want to get back into the habit of daily morning prayer with my husband too (we were really good at this BEFORE kids, ha!) Pinned this post. Love the idea of doing an at home date night and getting kids excited about it too by letting them know they’ll get to watch a special movie.
Love love love this! Going out and spending quality time together after children can be so difficult! Don’t even get me started on intimacy… These are great tips and more people need to talk about these things! Staying connected to your spouse is so important.
Wonderful post.Connecting and communicating with your spouse is so important. Date nights are nice but don’t always happen. So it is important to find something to connect about each and every day. And when you get that special date night, make the best of it.
You are a really beautiful family, and I enjoyed reading all of your tips.
This is great! I agree with everything you’ve said in this post. I’m so happy that you guys figured out how to work around your limitations and continue to grow your marriage!
These are such great tips. It’s so easy to lose connection when you get busy with kids.
Great post! After children, sometimes it can be difficult to reconnect! But it takes work to keep your marriage alive and it takes effort from both people! Love these tips!
I love ALL of this! My husband and I struggle with #5 for sure. We are always both SO exhausted by the end of the day… we need to try scheduling that !!
This is such a great article. I listen to a great relationship podcast that has helped us so much! It’s called Rise Together and they definitely talk about many of these tips as well!
It sounds like you guys have found the perfect recipe to a thriving marriage. I think it’s different for most couples and takes a lot of hard work and dedication.
My husband and I only go out about once a year too. And it works for us as well!
Great post! We have been blessed with family willing to watch our kids and so if we make the effort we can often get out once a month. But like you said it is those regular, everyday moments that add up. We also do at home date nights which can be simple or more elaborate. One of our favorite is to get Thai take out, put a movie on in the kids room then the two of us eat and visit, so simple and fun. We also pray together every day, so important like you said. And we also try to sit down for about 15 minutes after he gets home from work each day to chat, the kids are learning not to interrupt: )
That is awesome, Celeste! It doesn’t surprise me at all that you do these things. You and your hubby have such a wonderful relationship and it it shines bright! Thank you for your helpful comment!